Attending your parent’s funeral is a rite most people do not think twice about.
But what if you didn’t have a good relationship with the deceased?
That is what Redditor Falimonday struggled with after her siblings made a demand she wasn’t willing to meet.
The Original Poster (OP) visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked strangers on the internet:
“AITA for telling my siblings I want nothing to do with our mother’s funeral and won’t help pay for it?”
The OP explained to Redditors the reason for her resentment.
“I (24 f[emale]) am the youngest of 5. My siblings are John (33 m[ale]) Lucy (32 f[emale]) Nathan (30 m[ale]) and Erica (28 f[emale]). Their (and possibly my) father left when our mother was pregnant with me.”
“I say possibly mine because I do not know if he is my father or if another man is. Nobody does really.”
“But anyway, our mother was an alcoholic and neglectful to us.”
“My siblings all cut and run as soon as they could and left me alone with her. They never visited, refused to help me and rarely called our mother.”
“I was left to face her verbal abuse. I was there to pick up after her.”
“She was not a good mother and once I moved out I cut her off completely.”
“My siblings were upset I ‘abandoned’ our mother. Our relationship has been tense since.”
“I hate that they expected me to look after the woman who pushed me out (because that’s all she did).”
“Our mother became ill sometime last year and in July they were told she would not make it.”
“I did not see her. They tried to talk me around but like I told them, I made my peace years ago and I owed her absolutely nothing.”
“She died very recently and now they want me to attend the funeral and help pay for it. I said no.”
“They tried to guilt me into it. I told them I want nothing to do with the funeral and I was not going to spend a thing on the woman who treated me like sh*t.”
“More guilt trips happened and then I pointed out I did it alone for four years. I had to clean up her puke, bathe her, make sure she didn’t hurt herself, I had to clean puke off myself more times than I care to remember.”
“I had to fend for myself all alone. I did my time. I was done.”
“They are pissed, upset, hurting, etc and I get it. But I don’t think I owe them either.”
“They didn’t help me when I needed it so why should I help them now?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors declared NTA and clarified the siblings’ accusations about the OP “abandoning” their mother.
“NTA. You didn’t abandon her, you moved out as soon as you could which is exactly what your siblings did. You spent a significant amount of time looking after her on your own, I’d say you’ve done more than your fair share.” – TheJudgyWitch
“OP’s siblings abandoned HER. And this twisted narrative that she left her mom is probably just so they don’t have to face that they left their small sister alone with their alcohol sick parent. Shame on them.” – buhuberry
“OP is the scapegoat and the others are upset that she’s rocking the boat. Her siblings were raised by a very toxic person so it’s no surprise that they are dysfunctional as well.”
“Definitely NTA and she is justified in cutting her siblings off if they continue their behavior.” – juswannalurkpls
“It’s easy to view things differently on the outside. Since the siblings hadn’t lived with her for years, they were only getting small doses of her behavior and abuse… they possibly forgot what it was like because it’s possible that she treated THEM better once they were outside those walls.”
“But whatever it is, OP, you’re NTA. You need to heal, and if bring brought back into that mess, even though your abuser is now deceased, would make things painful, there’s absolutely no need to subject yourself to it. Not for anyone’s satisfaction.” – elvaholt
“Her siblings are being serious hypocrites. They moved out the minute they could left op behind to care for an abusive alcoholic on her own.”
“If anything they should be apologising to op because they abandoned her to look after their mother on her own when they knew exactly what it was like living with the mother.” – imnotagowl
“Frankly, shame on those siblings and every adult in OPs life who failed them by not calling CPS and getting OP out of there long ago.”
“No child should have to clean up their mother’s vomit and deal with drunken abuse daily. It’s absolutely vile that they expect a damn thing from OP. NTA, and hold firm! You have nothing to feel guilty about.” – Lucy_in_the_sky_0
“NTA. I think it’s hypocritial of them to say you abandoned her when they left as soon as they could and didn’t look back.”
“I would have said NAH because they are also dealing with a neglectful childhood and all the trauma associated, but they have absolutely no right to hound you to be apart of anything you don’t want to be.”
“I think you’re really strong for standing your ground here. All the best, OP.” – elvish_foot
The OP responded:
“This is how I feel. Like, I get they might have forgiven her and that’s great for them, maybe they care more now. But that doesn’t mean I need to. I was left alone with her the longest. I took care of her the most. I do not owe any of them more than I already did.”
As for the funeral, she is standing firm on her decision not to attend or go in on expenses.
“I won’t be anywhere near the funeral. They definitely won’t get anything from me toward it.”
“They want her to have one and they want to pay for it, fine, but they have to split it between four instead of five if that’s what they want.
Overall, Redditors said the OP does not owe her siblings anything and had already done enough for four years taking care of their abusive mother alone.