We’ll assume you’ve recently had your heart broken if you plan to spend Valentine’s Day crying into a glass of red wine and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary while eating ice cream straight from the tub.
Even if that isn’t your current plan, we’ve all had a bad ex at some point in our lives.
This writer moved halfway around the world for a guy who couldn’t even be bothered to meet her at Heathrow Airport.
So, if you can imagine some jerk’s face when you think of your worst-ever ex-partner, we have good news for you.
Why not feed them to one of the zoo animals? Of course, I’m speaking metaphorically.
The San Antonio Zoo is offering a special Valentine’s Day greeting to all of your ex-partners who are living rent-free inside your head.
The zoo will name a cockroach after your not-so-special someone for a pittance of USD$10 (AUD$14, £8).
And if that isn’t a cold yet clear message to the universe that you’re so done with that rancid, heart-crushing loser, then we don’t know what else to do.
It’s the perfect way to get a little bit of revenge on a former flame.
And you don’t even have to feel bad about it because the money goes to helping animals at the Texas zoo and further afield.
But want more bang for your buck? We’ve got you, boo.
Donors will receive a digital Valentine’s Day card acknowledging their support of the fundraiser.
And here is where your ice-cold slice of revenge gets really sweet – your ex can also be sent a digital card informing them of their devoured cockroach namesake.
Aw, take that, you cheating/lying/good-for-nothing loser.
Or, if a roach ain’t your style, you can instead have a veggie named after an ex for USD$5 (AUD$7, £4).
We suggest a brussel sprout, because they suck.
If you’re feeling extra vengeful/charitable, you can name your ex after a rat for USD$25 (AUD$35, £20).
The website states: “San Antonio Zoo hosts its Cry Me a Cockroach Fundraiser, where funds raised support the zoo’s vision of securing a future for wildlife in Texas and around the world!
“This Valentine’s, join in the fun by donating to symbolically name a cockroach, rodent, or veggie after your not-so-special someone!”
And if none of the above sounds like quite enough for you, then there’s always the $150 (AUD$212, £121) upgrade option.
The crux of that one is this: “Did your ex-partner, boss, or bestie really make 2022 difficult?
“Upgrade your donation to our personalised option, and we’ll create an individualised video message of your cockroach, rodent, or veggie being fed to one of our animals for you to send to your not-so-special someone.”
Last year, the most popular names were Jacob and Sarah, but you can add your ex to this year’s roach pile here.